How do you handle the death of a loved one? My dad died and after the anger, the hurt and the pain. I sit here wondering what is the next thing to do? There is no navigation software or how to guide for handling this yet I somehow feel adrift on some floating device. I know there are grief books and such but they are fluff when you are in the midst of turmoil.
Part of me seems numb and the other seems lethargic…slow to respond yet sure of what I don’t want to be bothered with or bothered with whom! People are genuine enough but after using the God-given supports I need, I don’t want any of it. Essentially, I don’t want anything. I want to be where I was before the loss, before the news. That pre-loss state that was free of this heavy heart pain and family conflicts.
I know that my experience may not be a common place for those suffering loss but this is mine. This after loss stuff SUCKS! I didn’t like the in-loss place (after finding out one passed and during funeral preparation) and I certainly am not liking this. The only difference is that my headaches have lessened yet my heartache is holding steady. This feels like surgery and I just endured my first surgery in October of the past year. Not even three months later, I am having another!
This surgery is of the worst kind! My father has been excised from my physical space and I can feel the emptiness of where he once resided. The only one who can bring me any healing and help me to recover, bring me into wholeness, is my heavenly father. My only guide is God’s presence and my relationship with Him. So I depend on God to show me the depth of his love for me to grant to me a deeper understanding of Him since my depth of need has increased.
I found out in my Dad’s death that there were parts of himself that he didn’t allow me to know. For whatever reason, he preferred that it be uncovered in his death. In coming to see him through others’ eyes, it has put all that I know into question requiring the strength of my faith to believe that which I experienced. And through this dynamic, I am discovering more about God and experiencing more in Him. So this unique kind of surgery is refreshing my view of God in the beauty of His majesty. My new reality with my Dad’s passing is embracing with greater veracity who God is to me and for me. It’s the lesson that keeps on giving and the truth that is sustaining me. As my Dad was a person of diligence so may I be even the more. #lossoflovedone #deepcallingtodeep