When I started this blog, I thought that I was ready to articulate inspiration without exposing too much of me. What I am realizing is that real expression is not possible without exposure untethered. I’m a woman, wife, mother and so many other roles that they tend to mesh into a blob of “ugh”. My best intentions aren’t always realized and the outcomes I do realize appear to me as a faint glimpse of the thought I initially started with.
My best intention when I found out I was pregnant with my first son 16 years ago was to raise a young man that loved God and lived out his life’s purpose with passion, good to himself as well as others. The first five to six years was amazing! And then, challenges occurred that seemed to cause my fears to manifest. Sadly, I acted out of fear making things worse (note – being a parent before you have lived means kids suffer from your ignorance regardless of intentions). Round about him turning 9 years old, I realized that I had become afraid of what would happen to him, if he continued in his way and I stayed in fear while parenting, my son could possibly never live the abundant life promised through Christ (John 10:10 kjv). So, I switched gears and faced my fear, prayed repentance and faith, put my faith to work and charted a new course. Instead of being frozen by my own past and observations of failures by others, I would do things differently by being proactive and informed.
I interacted differently with my son’s teachers observing their teaching styles in light of my son’s learning style. His initial school had healthy representation of male figures and constantly researched and consulted professionals on several fronts. Eventually my son was diagnosed with some impairments and this is when things seemed to get better which was a really set up for the worst. Scripture says better the end of a thing than its beginning (paraphrased – Ecclesiastes 7:8 kjv) well, I haven’t seen the end yet and I choose to believe in this promised fact because what I face today is emotionally and mentally overwhelming. I must believe because I never thought I would see, hear or experience my son saying and doing what he is now saying and doing at 16. My son was born after three girls, his smile as a child made me cry with joy because he had captured my heart in a way that I could never fully explain. So for me, I am in anguish over this temporal yet staunch reality that I live by faith in who my son is as he becomes who he chooses to be.
In life, my face is sure and unflinching when having to deal with issues as they arise yet I wail and cry out to God as I experience the pain of rejection, blame and deceit lashed upon me. My son’s many physicians and therapists reassure that its not him but the dysfunction. The danger of functioning from this assertion (for me) is the fairy tale absolution that his dysfunction has him versus he has a dysfunction. My son is not impaired to think for himself and make decisions so I can’t blame a dysfunction and excuse the behavior, (for me) that is enabling. If there was no God and no medicine to help my him, then I would function from this assertion that the dysfunction has him but that is not the case. When a person has an incurable disease, we accept the outcome (symptoms, behavior, etc.) that they may exude. But when a person has a treatable disease and they don’t take the treatment such as people who allow for worsening health conditions instead of taking medicine, we say that this is folly. This is how I frame my understanding. My son’s condition requires a different approach to managing his life yet he can still have a viable and well lived long life! Circumventing his need to participate actively in managing his life responsibly would, in my opinion, shorten that life.
The way that I face this reality is by acknowledging the choices and resulting actions, face the pain that allows me to stay actively and constantly engaged in forgiving my son. This helps me exercise caution and wisdom concerning him AND still love him wholeheartedly. I don’t know how long it will take him to mature, become rational and responsible yet until then, I must hold the line to preserve myself and sanity. I remember hearing my mom and her friends say, “You’ll see when its your turn!”…Boy O Boy!